Email I sent October 4, 2005:
I've really been thinking about this and trying to nail down my most basic struggles. Besides "everything" which is what I thought of at first, I know my struggles are that of most SAHMs. I have 3 kids under 5, an infant who takes extra care, a husband who is in school, and A LOT on my plate! My most basic struggle is w/ the daily stuff. The stuff that HAS to be done in order for the house to stay in a "company ready state". It seems like I will do the dishes, or pick up the living room floor, and turn around 5 minutes later and I need to do those things all over again! I've spent the last 2 days doing laundry because I was behind and had some extra to do. Well, the laundry is done, but nothing else! I have 4 or 5 really bad hotspots. I try to go through them daily, but just don't have the time! It's another one of those things that seems to flare up once I turn my back! Dirving Cori to school and picking her up are taking a toll on me and I know my "taxi" job is only going to get worse as my kids get older! I am completely unorganized w/ my schedule. I have yet to find a planner/daytimer that works for me. I'm afraid to make a "to-do list" for fear it would be a mile long! I'll admit part of my personality has a "if I can't do it perfectly, why do it at all" quirk. I have had the fact that I am not perfect seared into my brain my whole life so badly that I've given up! My mom was talking to me the other day about HER need for perfection (she's the one who has told me how imperfect I am, and she gets if from her father and the fact that she was molested as a child) and her trying to have ONE perfect thing (even if that perfect thing is her sock drawer). I said flat out to her that I was not going to EVER be that perfect thing in her life. Now, that is true, since no one is perfect, however it shows what a low opinion I have of myself! I've tried to watch the couples Starting Over, and there is one gal who reminds me of ME! I can't remember her name, but she's the young dark haired girl who doesn't know what she wants to do w/ her life and feels pressure from her family and boyfriend to pick a profession. She admits that she spends most of her time trying to appear perfect and doesn't really know who she is. I realized that that is ME! I don't know WHO I am! I used to have a lot of interests/talents but kind of lost those things in my fog of depression that started at the end of my junior year. I'm still not out of that fog and that fog sometimes lets me do REALLY STUPID things! I'm listening to Dr Phil's "Self Matters" in hopes that I can learn to find my "authentic self". I really don't even know what that is, or how to go about finding it. Basically, I'm depressed and don't know how to get myself out of it! The prozac doesn't seem to help (well, I don't have the urge to kill my husband, kids, or myself so it is doing SOMETHING). Allen and I are in marriage counceling. We've had 2 sessions and both times we were both on our "best behavior". The councelor picked up on that and is trying to draw the problems out of us, but it's so frustrating. There are times when I am HOPPING MAD at that man, but I get over it so easily that I can't really remember what I'm upset about when we get to the councelor. So there's my input! I could go on and on and on and on and on.....about all my quirks (I have a lot of them) but I won't bore you!
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